Superbowl recap in song

"So the doc says I got a fever, and he says the only cure is more cowbell."

"So the doc says I got a fever, and he says the only cure is more cowbell."

Whether you watched Superbowl 43 yesterday, became blackout drunk by the second quarter, or think I’m talking about a Marvel Comics character, on one thing I’m sure we can all agree: Football season is over. Halle-frickin-lujiah, bring on baseball. OK, that sounds kind of weird. But what’s that? Some of the players from yesterday’s game want to interject before they fall out of our consciousness for another seven months or so?

Hi, I’m Kurt Warner. You probably heard a lot about my road to redemption, with pit-stops at the St. Louis Rams MVP Triumph Court and Washed Up Backup QB for Arizona Lane. I thought it would have been really cool to have gotten a victory this Superbowl, but I’m not greedy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to inject some more lamb blood into my knee so I can make the walk to my car.

  • Coasters ~ Charlie Brown single ~ Atco 6132

Charlie Brown

Hi, I’m Ben Roethlisberger. If you’ve seen me play football, you know that I plow through 300-pound linemen to get the first down, throw crazily accurate bombs across the field, and now own two Superbowl rings that I can wear on my bratwurst-sized fingers. I won the game because of my fellow Steelers and because I am two parts tank. That one time I wasn’t wearing a helmet on my motorcycle? I lived because of the tank genes. Now if you’ll excuse me, another deli in Pittsburgh is naming a sandwich after me.

  • Avett Brothers ~ Mignonette ~ Ramseur

Hard Worker

Hi, we’re the Arizona Cardinals fans. Yes, we exist. And we’re not in the best of moods. You can save all your jokes about moving from Chicago to St. Louis and finally to Glendale and only winning a single championship game that occurred before the Superbowl even existed. It’s not easy being the perpetual underdog, all right? But we put up a pretty good fight for a while. It looked like we could have won until that damn James Harrison popped up and raced away with our dreams. We’ll keep at it next year, though. Really! We just need to review the broadcast of the game. Wait, what’s — Oh for the love of God! [Spoiler alert! There’s a penis in that link. And it’s waving hello.]

  • Glasvegas ~ Glasvegas ~ Columbia

Flowers and Football Tops

Hi, I’m Bruce Springsteen. 2009 is sure shaping up to be my year! I released that one record that I’m very, very sorry about. The Academy Awards totally snubbed my titular song from The Wrestler because they’re all corporate squares who just don’t get it, man. And I blessed the Superbowl-watching public with a crotch slide. But for all the uptight folks who don’t know how to cut loose, put down the chicken fingers, and have fun, all I can say? You’ll watch me preen onstage no matter what, so long as I play, “Born to Run.” I’m Bruce Springsteen, man!

  • Bruce Springsteen ~ Working on a Dream ~ Columbia

The Wrestler

Hi, we’re the Superbowl commercials. Remember when we used to be fun and loud and almost as big a deal as the football game? Well, we’re in a state of flux, what with declining consumer spending habits and growing public dissatisfaction at the excesses involved in advertising. Hell, we couldn’t even air that PETA ad that everyone saw via our arch-nemesis, The Internets. We did pretty well with the Conan O’Brien beer ad and even that treacly Bob Dylan/Pepsi retrospective. But no matter how many creepy and sexist commercials with Danika Patrick that GoDaddy.com puts out (huh huh), we know nobody really uses GoDaddy.com’s services anyway. And that Clydesdale in love offering was inexcusable. It’s telling that a ton of our ads this year were movie trailers for sequels and re-toolings. Now if you’ll excuse us, our writers need a nap. We’re just soooooo tired. If someone taps into the Next Good Original Idea, let us know. [Normally, I’d include links to all the things I’m talking about, but these are commercials. They’re well-exposed enough. Go to Hulu if you’re desperate.]

  • Bjork ~ Selmasongs: Dancer in the Dark OST ~ Elektra

I’ve Seen It All

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