Last night I dreamt that Morrissey loved my blog

Morris-spawn! Though probably not

Morris-spawn! Though probably not

In honor of V-Day, special guest Morrissey has offered to dispense his sage advice to the lovelorn. Happy Hallmark debacle!

Q: Morrissey, if we’re both still single and looking for love at age 60, will you be my boyfriend? – Hopeful in Hoboken
A: If a double-decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.

  • The Smiths ~ The Queen Is Dead ~ Rough Trade

There Is a Light that Never Goes Out

Q: Morrissey, I think this girl I know kinda likes me. But how can I tell for sure? – Wondering in Walla Walla
A: But she doesn’t even like [you]. And I know because she said so.

  • The Smiths ~ Louder than Bombs ~ Warner Bros/WEA

Girl Afraid

Q: Morrissey, This dude I hooked up with won’t leave me alone! He’s way more into me than I’m into him. Plus, I think he gave me the clap. What should I do? – Itchy in Ithaca
A: I’m so sorry.

  • Morrissey ~ Viva Hate ~ Sire

Suedehead

Q: Morrissey, I want to let this girl know how much I care for her. But she never seems to take the hint. What should I say to make her understand my feelings? – Smitten in San Jose
A: When you sleep, I will creep into your thoughts like a bad debt that you can’t pay. Take the easy way and give in.

  • Morrissey ~ Vauxhall and I ~ Warner Bros/WEA

The More You Ignore Me, the Closer I Get

Q: Morrissey, what if I never find my one true love? – Impatient in Portland
A: I was driving my car. I crashed and broke my spine. So yes, there are worse things in life than never being someone’s sweetie.

Morrissey’s newest album, Years of Refusal, will be released on February 17.

  • Morrissey ~ Years of Refusal ~ Lost Highway

That’s How People Grow Up

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